Conflicted

Before I even begin.

Sick of….

Today, I learned the true meaning of the more you get to know someone, the more you will grow to dislike them.

Yet we are told to love. How much harder can it be?

Tired, weary, and exhausted.

I sometimes doubt my choices.

Unreciprocated and exasperated at times, whom shall I look to?

I need to fix my atenna so I can get in tune.

I realise I blog most often when I’m done, but that’s just because I share my joy through my mouth and my pain with the world I complain to.

I’ve decided to update my blog for everyone who reads it

I’m so tired

A New Chapter or A New Book?

My last bout of school results are out, and it was really an amazing revelation to me. I had never expected such wonderful results, even though I had dreamed of it. I told myself that I must stop thinking about it, prepared myself for the worst every single time I thought about it, told anyone off if they asked me the reason for it, and then I was pleasantly surprised.

It’s really a miracle and a wonder I’ve come this far, and I must really say it’s by God grace. I have never felt so sure that I’d not get an A for my results. In fact, I was even ready for a B- or C. Then the most unpredictable thing happened. They say that God rewards those who labour for Him, and I have had so many occasions of rewards (such as my good results, two nominations, even though I didn’t get them), and ability to secure a job that pays reasonably better. Everyone thinks Justin is zai, but in fact Justin is not. I really want to praise Him for all He has done, even though I am not the most faithful in my quiet time with Him. It had always been maybe later, it can wait, or this is crucial. But God never fails. And it is really beyond my understanding.

I have wondered (and perhaps am still wondering) whether one of my interviewers were right, and that since I did well in Accounting I should remained in the line, but I’m more convinced that my dreams should not perish because I do well in one area. In fact, I believe that I may be better in more than one area, but that’s for me to explore, and to see what happens next.

 

To Jasmine:
It’s been 6 years walking with you. You have never failed to give me the needed encouragement, needed support, and needed strength. You’ve steered me in the right direction everytime I lose my way, and told me the very important statement whenever I need to hear it. “You’ll always be my number one no matter what happens.”

I have never regretted going down on one knee, and right now, it’s on to our new phase of life. More unknowns, surprises, and winding paths for us to navigate. But I’ll always know that with you by my side and God guiding the two of us, there’s no way we can get lost, even if we want to.

To our new phase of life, cheers.

 

To the ThinkBoxers:
It was really a fun time with you guys. Crappy and hilarious moments, not to mention most importantly the intellectual discussions we have which make me wonder how did such a group like ours form.. I’ll miss those seminar room days where its just one day before the exam and we’re totally heck caring about what the exam is. And also when we’re so focused and sharing our notes with each other. I know it’ll be so hard to find such a selfless bunch when I leave school, so I sincerely hope that we’ll remain as closely knit as we are now. To Jas, KS, Chi, Dinny, Bee, Lydia, thanks for the fun trip we had in Taiwan, and for helping me with the most important moment yet in my life. You guys gave me a trip (and photos) to remember us by. To Yilun and Sandy who missed out on the trip, we really missed you two. No words can express perhaps the sadness we felt for not having you guys there. Nonetheless, I do hope we can get to meet up soon ya?

 

To NTU, NBS:
These three years have been the most stressful years in my life. Yet, nothing can describe the fulfillment that I have gathered from this place. People say time and again that it is a boring place. But the place is never boring, we just need to have the right company! I have met some of the best people in my life here, and had some of the best tutors. To every tutor who impacted my life, thank you so much for being the inspiration you are. I’ve gained more than classroom knowledge, more than life skills, I’ve gained a friend in so many circumstances. In my many years to come, I sincerely hope to be able to remember this wonderful moments.

 

To my new life ahead:
Yet so many uncertainties and stresses await, but I’m just glad it’s over!! Bye to school life, until we meet again. Surely I’ll miss the free time and holidays, but hey! You’ll never grow up if you decide to stay that way! My parents await my contribution to home, so I’ll see how it goes.. Need to plan my spreadsheet soon, and sit down and decide on how much to contribute and how much to save!!

 

Right now, I have this joy in my heart I cannot describe. Even though there is still waiting to be cleared for tmr, I thank God for what has happened today, and I will rejoice in Him.

Running

Against my better judgement I’ve decided to take a break during my holidays and slow down. Even though my dream to be a lawyer has not died yet and I really want to work toward my dreams, I think I’ve worked myself enough for now. I need to stop by the beach, walk around listening to my iPod, sit at a quiet place with a nice book. I need to connect again to You, walk again with You, and listen more to You. I need to spend more quality time with you, stroll along with you, and hug you.

 

I need to sort my life out. Seriously.

 

There are times I wonder why I brought myself to this state, and surely there are those who said I brought it upon myself. But of course, I may have, but I know there’s another purpose for all these.

 

If I had another me advice me and tell me to resit my A levels I might just have been convinced. How different would life be then? (I just realised this post is full of me’s, but I was looking back at how I was convincing people during the open house to really pursue their dreams if they really feel that this is the right way to go, and I may have been convinced!)

 

But hey, I’m not complaining. =)

I(‘d) love to dig myself into a grave. (Pun intended. Go figure)

There are days I don’t feel like talking, and today is one of those distasteful days. I have two very important quizzes coming up, but I have little mood to study for them.

 

I have this taste in my mouth, it makes me keep my mouth shut. Because everything I say is wrong, everything I think is wrong, everything I assume is wrong.

 

I think some people call it a bad day. Personally, I think its more than that.

 

It reflects my inability to contemplate, inability to comprehend, inability to understand, inability to conquer, and inability to persuade.

 

Inability.

 

On a great day, I’d just let it go.

On a normal day, I’d think about it and let it go.

On a day like this, it likes to simmer in me and keep me boiling.

 

I’m upset and inable (i know there’s no such word).

 

This is very very depressing.

Something from Mother Theresa/Calcutta/Wherever it maybe, but read and learn

“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. 

If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. 

If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway. 

If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. 

The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. 

Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. 

For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.” 

— Mother Teresa

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I named this post . because I dunno what to call it. I could have called it random musings, but which blogpost isn’t?

At this very moment I have this strong feeling inside me, and it seems quite hard to describe. But to put it in simple words it actually sounds like this.

 

“I feel obese.”

 

Quite clearly, the very common and expected response from you would be to say.. You not fat what, don’t say that la.. Aiya, we just joking only la. Yeah well, I’m here to give you great news. It’s not your fault for calling me fat. Lol. I just feel very very very fat, and at the same time very very very scared. But let’s cover the fat part first.

 

Then again I shall not cover the details as it may not be too nice to make you have nightmares.

 

So much unknown and uncertainty. I’m so afraid, yet I can’t wait for it to end. It’s all so scary really, especially with so much that’s going on..

 

14th Apr – Exam + RT

15th Apr – Exam

16th Apr – End of RT

20th Apr – End of NTU Exam

25th Apr – JCS Exam

1st May – CPA Australia Exam

6th May – CPA Australia Exam

7th May – Taiwan Flight

14th May – Return from Taiwan

17th May – Youth Service Sermon (May have to change)

15th May to Unknown if win – Pan Asian Retailing Trip Taiwan

29th Jun to 17th July JAL Trip if get

 

If I don’t get both I’ll source for a law internship. Any lobangs?

 

Another thing that is irking me seriously right now is my contemplation of either doing an NUS grad LLB full time or an external UOL degree since I may not be practicing next time. Yes I’m that crazy. Yes law is still my passion. Yes you’re not reading wrongly.

 

Group reporting is stressful. Don’t dare to touch, but I guess I just have to.. Sigh..

 

On another note I wanna be thankful for my job in UOB.. Couldn’t have done it without you God.. So many tests there.. Of integrity even.. Well, thanks for the job! =)

 

Justin on a moody and obese day

Thoughts

Can anyone understand how I feel? Or even just try to..? Oh my gosh I’ve been having such a bad day I don’t even want to start talking about it.. First the kids at the library behind me just keep talking, then I decide to take a bus home and sit at the bus stop. This man turns around, looks at me, turns back, takes out a cigarette and lights it.. Blows and smoke gets to my face! Pissed already, I walk to the next bus stop. Then the bus comes, then this aunty while boarding the bus (I’m behind her) stops in the middle of the bus and blocks my way. Am I invisible today?

 

Feeling tired, jaded and really worn out. Haii.. What to say man.. No idea..

 

While I decide to come home to try to do my work, I can feel my mum watching my every single move, trying to talk to me at every opportunity she has, wanting to extend the moments she has with her son. Not that I do not understand, but I feel so watched. It’s crazy. There is silence, and she asks me about everything. What I ate for lunch, dinner, pours me a cup of water to drink, ask me if I want to eat fruits. Tells me not to rub my eye when I just touch it. Asks me about where I’m going, what time I’ll be coming back, who I’m meeting, why I’m doing certain things. Why I don’t have lessons, why I have lessons. My gosh, do you understand? It’s as if I have to report my life to her. Peace of mind and silence is not longer applicable in my life. Though I want to save the money, I’m really not sure if I’ll remain sane staying at home. It’s as if I have to live my life twice a day, and that once is not enough.

 

Expectations. They kill.

 

On another note I was just thinking. All these thoughts and thinking about self improvement, it’s really fake.. Well, kinda la.. Cuz it’s like, ppl want to improve themselves because they want to be better than others. Which I realised when I was swimming. It’s not that I don’t like sports. It’s that I don’t excel to my best at it, and it makes me want to be at my best before even I decide to take it up as a sport.

 

Sigh. Everyone has their predicaments. Some are simple, some are not. Just as the bible has taught us about the life of Job, I hope I can learn to be like him.

 

One day, I would need my parents to stop treating me as a kid, to know that I have the best cow sense on earth to analyse and interpret my circumstances with God’s guidance.

 

Really really tired pleasing everyone.

A New Post

It seems that I like to blog only about sad things, because when I’m sad I like to be alone, and when I’m alone I like to put down what I’m thinking, which eventually leads me to write it all down here.

 

Though sad that all these has to come to an end, a part of me can’t wait for it to end. I believe to a large extent much of it has come from too much studying, and also having to attend this class every week which albeit interesting drains me to the maximum as I marvel at the extreme questions that are being thrown out into the air that absolutely has no form of thinking being placed into it. It is a school, where you learn to think. It is not a place where you make people think for you.

 

Is life really so unhappy for me? Why do I feel so drained?

 

It seems that truly that few moments that I get to spend in peace is when I’m spending time with God, worshipping Him and in His presence. Because that is when I can just close my eyes and marvel at His grace, with no one telling me what to do or what I should do. I pride myself so much at my ability to think from many perspectives, but it more often than not has also harmed me from thinking so much. Thinking is tiring, really really tiring.

 

It’s great to care. But it is terrible when you are not being appreciated for it. Caring in itself constitutes some degree of self-lessness, but when countered with selfish attitudes? It turns bad.

 

I’m in this extreme mood of wanting to rant. Life just doesn’t feel right anymore.